It’s recently dawned on me just how much I overthink about this topic. But I overthink about it because it’s something that matters to me!!
My understanding of other people one minute can be something that resembles anything good to me ending up being judgemental. But judgemental people don’t just deserve to be thrown on the scrap heap. I can be quite a judgemental person and I’ll quite happily admit to that. But every judgemental person is entitled to their opinion of another person or situation.
Quite often, I think about living having to suppress opinions and basically speak about a lot of things by way of telling lies. This shouldn’t have to be. Why should people’s opinions not matter. I’m a very opinionated person and I stick to my opinions because they are my opinions and I’ve built them based upon environments I have been in which have lead to various ideologies. Now, who’s the judgemental one if I’m told that my ideologies are wrong and that I need to change?
At this point I digress, but I feel at this point, I want to get out my system all of my constant thoughts surrounding difficult emotions relating to the struggle at connecting with people.
So now I have an analogy which I ended up creating last night based off, round about 8 years of disappointment relating to friends, or so-called “friends” drifting apart from me, leading me to feel devoid of confidence, also known as inheriting a degree of social anxiety, as well as already living with Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
My analogy is this: So I’ve been through my fair share of cars, and I’ve put the right petrol in those cars, which to me translates as, I’ve treated people with respect and expect the same in return.
In this process, the car would naturally perform well and get me from A to B just fine with no problems. I didn’t try to use pepsi or lemonade as the fuel instead of petrol, so I don’t really understand why the performance of these cars was affected. But after a while, I realised that the “friends” who I also see as the tyres on the car, the things that make it go, kept bursting.
I was told, or at least has the idea, that the tyres, also known as friends, would be in it for the long haul. They’d be consistent. But the tyres on all the cars I’ve driven have been faulty. All they’ve ever done is burst. Yet still, I get disappointed and let down. Sometimes I think maybe somebody out there deliberately puts tacks on the roads to make my tyres burst, also known as making it harder for me to have faith that I’ll make new connections and end up with friends I really value.
But I would love that. I would love for tacks to be removed from the road to stop these tyres from bursting (also known as “friends” disappointing me without me doing anything to affect the situation).
One thing that I can certainly see from this analogy, is that I’d never be a championship winning F1 driver, such as Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button or Sebastian Vettel. This situation is also translated as feeling like I’ve won the greatest friends (rather than driving championships in their eyes plus a pot of gold if you know what I mean).
My faith in finding the greatest friends and people who will remain an important part of my life for the long haul has worn very thin to the point of non-existance. This is me, writing after 8 years of feeling isolated and not feeling confident of being my true self… Because someone will always have a problem with it. And this makes me sad! I can’t really put into words how this makes me feel, but I wish circumstances were different.
I wish I could therefore feel free to express myself, where people won’t judge me as having a bad attitude because they see a snapshot of what could be going on inside my mind. Also, where I feel like at least in some sense, I could do something great to leave a positive legacy for others to follow, rather than a legacy I’m currently living which is becoming more and more tarnished (like a car with old paint work to remain on that theme).
Hopefully, substantial changes to environments will help me to change my view, that one day, I will find the happy place in terms of relationships with others being easier to understand. But this is just a wish. Could this wish come true I ask?
Well to me, this is something, which is totally out of my control.