When you have dyspraxia and are also an introverted person, this makes the art of communication and developing meaningful connections quite complex.
Sometimes, I really want to be in a moment where I’m able to be in the company of someone else or to be talking to someone else. But then there’s the other side where I find my own enjoyment from various activities and would rather be alone to try and find inner peace.
Dyspraxia does make this feeling a lot more of a challenge, which often plays on my mind. It’s that common idea that “you can’t just pick and choose when you want the company of others and when you want to be alone”. Things aren’t that simple. I for one in some ways wish it was that simple.
It’s getting the best of both worlds which is the difficult thing. The biggest challenge to me that I’m facing right now is the conundrum of connecting with others while developing a meaningful connection with said person.
One of the things I’ve recently done is evaluated the friendships I have. In fact I started working on this in July when I was on holiday. So I decided to reduce the number of “Facebook friends” I had by the masses. Now I’m down to just having as “Facebook friends”, people who I consider as real friends and people who I want in my life. And yet there’s still possibly some where I think “Are they a real friend”?
Some of the friends I have on Facebook are people I have met via the Dyspraxia Foundation Youth Group on Facebook itself.
However, just because we have dyspraxia doesn’t mean we will automatically connect with each other and have different things in common. I often think “Do I really connect with person A, B and C (and this is whether they have dyspraxia or not)? Or, ‘Do we have much or anything at all in common’?.
These 2 questions are massive for me. Because, at the end of the day, as I have said, I want to connect with others. Of course I do! But there comes a point where I develop this ideology that it’s my fault that connections I desire don’t last long.
I end up thinking that maybe it’s for the best that the number of connections I have is very small. That is where the introversion joins the equation again (incase you didn’t know the whole idea of being an introvert is having a few connections which are with you for life). I pick and choose carefully which people I think I can at least form some sort of relationship with and hopefully those people remain friends with me for the rest of my life.
So I never really know which direction I’m heading in terms of relationships with others. One minute I feel like I can connect with others and the next minute the art of being able to connect with people seems to be impossible for me.
Admittedly, there are situations where I misread things but I can’t help that. That is part of how dyspraxia and ASD affects me. Being able to process information and whether I perceive something to be positive or negative. Sometimes if I have made it blatantly clear how not to connect with me and how not to speak to me I get emotional because I feel like it’s me being attacked and then me ending up countering that.
I feel like I end up pushing people further away. But there’s also the point where I think if I’ve given someone time to understand how I perceive things and I force them away- maybe I do it for a reason!
As I have said, I am on a mission to want to connect with others. However, if other people end up speaking to me in a way which makes me feel attacked or upset… What do I do?
Sometimes I have this other ideology that if I do break down the barriers I put up and let people approach me in a way I judge as positive then those select people are welcome to join me on my journey. At the end of the day, I would counter that thought by thinking that if I end up not being able to strike many meaningful connections and losing more along the way, I shall ride off into the sunset on my own journey.
At least I’d come to hope that the latter idea is me just overthinking that I am to blame for my own difficulty at connecting with with others. I just want one thing and that is to be able to find those people that will understand me for the person I am. Having things in common would also help a great deal. Otherwise I’d end up again probably losing connections again. And nobody likes an awkward silence on a phone call or even a real time social situation. And that would happen if I didn’t have anything in common with a person.
So I guess there’s multiple things to think about here, but my number one wish is to be understood while not feeling like I’m under pressure or attack.
Hopefully soon enough I will reach my positive destination at finding person A, B and C (maybe more, who knows?) and those people will hopefully find pleasure from being my friend and having me as part of their lives.