I feel emotionally unstable. One minute I could feel as happy as Larry the next I could be shivering uncontrollably and feeling like I’m about to cry.
I find that this links in to my dyspraxia and borderline ASD in various ways and I thought I would write about this.
So, as a dyspraxic person with a few traits linking to autism, I find it incredibly difficult to think about the future.
Inside, I still feel like a child and sometimes I feel like I’m 12 or 13 and not 18 (nearly 19). There are other times where I think how am I not say 25 years old and a well developed person likeany people my age who have already had paid jobs and feel like a more confident person going further down the road.
When I finally think I’ve found a true and solid passion and want to pursue it, sometimes I’m told by others all the negative things that link to it rather than the positive things, which make me feel so downhearted and think I don’t want to do that job and it’s back to square one again.
In fact, I may as well create games of some sort for a living as I seem to go back to square one so much, or at least this is what the voices in my head tell me on a few occasions.
It’s no secret of mine that I also wish people would communicate with me more often and I’ve found it difficult over the past couple of years with some of my friends as I say moving on in their lives finding a job or going to university and not making any time or a lot less time to see me… Which makes me upset and think nobody else wants to really be friends with me.
I’m always reassured in this department and just told that people are just developing their lives but I think if people really cared… They’d at least make time to speak to me, whether its face to face or by text… Just something to show an element of interest.
Going back to the future then and I’d really struggle to go into work in terms of routine. I’ve been used to a routine and a very fixed routine for a long time and I’d have difficulties breaking out of this routine.
I just wish that I could find it as easy as others to be in that perfect situation where I’m earning money, get to go out and enjoy myself quite a bit of the time or even just spending time with people and doing things I enjoy with them… But I don’t get that.
Hopefully one day I would be able to feel confident and not an emotional wreck of a person that the slightest thing or what would be judged as the slightest thing would upset me or just that I get a whole variety of emotions running round my head each day that make things difficult.
I’m not going to give up in my quest to become that confident person and I will hopefully be able to look forward to a future I want rather than what I might be in a way forced in to rather than look back on things I didn’t enjoy doing and only did because I was lost and didn’t know where I wanted to go.
I know where I want to go. I want to go up… I want to reach my potential and not be stopped.