College and coping with dyspraxia

Oh how fun college was. Being diagnosed with dyspraxia on September 12th 2015 and starting college on September 16th gave me just 4 days to come to terms with it before I was thrown into the deep end. 

I think I’d need arm bands for this one… But unfortunately arm bands were not an option. 

So I started a music course, which really didn’t make me happy at all. It was an anxious time for me, and at a time where that’s where I thought my main interests were, I chose to do the course. 

Mistakes were made. Not only by me though. Halfway through the first year I was disinterested and struggled to integrate into my class and I was the outcast in many ways. 

None of the teachers apart from 1 really understood how dyspraxia affected me and for that reason I also fell into a deep anxious state, which only got worse. 

There was in fact an assignment I had to do, which I will point out was meant to be a group task. However, I failed the assignment as I didn’t know what I was doing, while the teacher who set the assignment never offered me any encouragement for it. 

That particular teacher would end up just letting all the confident people who knew how to set up a music stage practise, while the not so confident people (pretty much just me) would sit at the side of the room thinking “I don’t understand what to do and I feel nervous about taking about how I feel” 

And months later… I had to redo that assignment… On my own… When it was impossible due to the need to lift heavy equipment while also set up a tripod with camera to be able to record myself for evidence of the assignment being done.

I felt awful. And something bad ended up happening, due to an intense build up of anger that I had no support for this. I bet the classroom wall is still in pain come to think of it… With me throwing white board pens, a computer mouse and keyboard at it to just release all the tension inside of me.

It made me so upset. I broke down, I crouched down in a corner of the classroom so nobody could see me and I just cried and cried and felt so ashamed of myself. 

Not a proud moment for me, but if I was actually given that support through what was supposed to be a group task… None of that would’ve happened. Despite this mishap, I did end up passing my music course which is a positive, though music is not something that I’d want to go into in the future. 

It’s important to know that what happened right there and then was not me. It was the anxiety, anger and the struggles I had with having a condition which affected my understanding of things. 

Thankfully, I’m no longer at college, and one almost full year of a business course later (which again didn’t work out) I’m now feeling much happier with not having the anxiety of people who don’t understand me and disruptive people making life hell for my learning experience. 

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